If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
