Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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