I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
