I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
there is glitter all over my balls
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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