so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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