Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
