I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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