You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
