i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
