proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Girls should come with a carfax report
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
