12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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