I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
