There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
