Sry I called you an 8
youre lurking in front of me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
