I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
