my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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