My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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