I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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