just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
