Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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