We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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