I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Oh god it's open bar.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
