god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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