I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
