In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
