It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize