just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
birth control should be required to get into college
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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