im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
