oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
