Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
