you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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