talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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