I faked an abortion last night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
