so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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