can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
