I accidentally burped into my bong.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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