his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
