I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
