i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
