oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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