my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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