genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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