also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
