90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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