I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
