so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just invented taco cereal.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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