I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
