i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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