The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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