YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
