She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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