bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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