yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he thought i was a dude.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
