I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
