Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
