It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
