I intend to get homeless drunk
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
