I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize