You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
